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no me gusta estrés

I’m not typically one to like driving. I much prefer to relax in the passenger seat, or if I’m in a cab or limo, I’ll take back window seat. But as I was driving back home across my small town tonight from a friend’s house after the ugly game (I want LA to win), I realized that I enjoy driving more these days; and it’s been to my change in driving style. I no longer feel a need to race past cars or get home quickly or drive at a certain speed. Rather, I just want to mosey home with the windows down and jammin’ to some tunes. In retrospect, I thought I was doing myself a favor by weaving in and out of cars on the highway, speeding to pass cars and gunnin’ the gas just to make yellow traffic lights (trust me, I’m still a safe driver. Just wear the seatbelt, and you’re fine). I thought I was doing myself a favor because I was stressed out whenever I found myself approaching too closely to a car; but now that I just ease along, I don’t find myself getting too close to the rear end of cars. If anything, cars just pass by me, exactly what I was doing in years past. And now, I can enjoy being on the road. Driving in my car gives me time to think, to let my mind wander a little and to even breathe more freely.

For the past weeks, I have been constantly around people. At the end of college, all I was doing was partying and hanging out with the people I did not want to leave. After graduation, I went up to Cape Cod with a few friends from my intramural soccer team. I came back to New York for a day and proceeded to make my way down to Annapolis, Maryland to celebrate a friend’s graduation from the Naval Academy. More partying. I finally made it home, where I spent no more than 2 days before my roommate from college came down. Memorial Day weekend, I road tripped with him down to New Orleans via Atlanta. We got to visit the Georgia Aquarium and the Coca Cola factory. Can you tell I’m recapping my summer for you? Haha. After being in New Orleans for 2 nights, I flew back up to Richmond and then hopped on a bus the next day to New York. Spent the weekend in the City celebrating a friend’s birthday, and he came home with me for a few days. He just left yesterday and now I’m home on my own. I haven’t been on my own for a while now. Besides these car rides home, I haven’t quite been left to just sit and think, though the mental list of thought topics has been stagnant for a while now, merely consisting of my future and what the hell am I doing with my life. The second may sound synonymous with the first, but there’s a little distinction. The distinction being, I haven’t been really proud of the way I have been leading my life lately. I am not proud of the things that come from my lips or the actions that I submit to this world. But am I doing anything about it? I don’t know. I guess I’m trying. Oh, the journey.

There’s an important value in learning to be alone without being lonely. It’s important to not feel lonely when you’re alone or to rely so heavily on the company of others to validate you feeling whole. However, it’s been such a long time that I’ve been alone that I may be challenged to question whether or not I am a person who finds completion in the company of others. And it’s not even a matter of filling up time or finding things to do. Although, I would ideally be able to fill my time with exercise, watching “The Wire,” reading books, seeking opportunities for my future and writing. Learning to be alone without feeling lonely is analogous to being single without feeling a need to date or hook up, which I think is also an important quest I need to undertake. I contend that we are all looking for a source of validation. We are all seeking to find a sense of self-worth, hoping to feel we mean something to someone or something. Though I think there is nothing wrong with this, it’s hazardous and at times, devastating, to look to the wrong things for validation. I know I don’t want to look to people or to a significant other. However, there are also few greater feelings in the world than feeling loved by your friends or a boyfriend/girlfriend. Cuidado (Be careful). I need to learn and grow not just content, but also find fulfillment in who I see myself to be, the way I am growing and how I am living my life. I want to live a life of integrity, and right now, I think in order to do that I have to value and really cherish this time I am spending alone.

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Categories: Uncategorized
  1. June 14, 2010 at 8:01 pm

    Gotta love the alone time, driving when no other cars are on the road, watching the wire alone (cuz face it, show’s kinda depressing). Spitting image of integrity: gregory peck in movie To Kill a Mockingbird.

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